CREWZINE! presents: Schelotto's Magnificent 7 | August 2024

Well, we’re back for another edition of Schelotto’s Magnificent 7, a once monthly feature inspired by the maestro himself.

Submissions are welcome! Email us at [email protected] with pics, lists, ebay finds — whatever!

So, yeah, let’s get to it.

1. Big pic energy: Mercedes-Benz Stadium (7.20.24)

This goes hard. Makes us wanna run through a brick wall and explode stuff.

2. You have to get this!

Artist Geoff Gouveia — (at)geoffgouveia on Instagram — has been giving away MLS All-Star cards to anyone who DMs him. Perhaps you could snag a one-of-a-kind Cucho or Nagbe.

3. Who’s the Crewest of them all?

Unless you’ve worn a banana costume in public, we won’t consider your credentials.

4. What coulda been …

October will mark 10 years since the Crew retired the construction workers for an overrated circle logo (there, we said it!). At the time, designers popped out from all kinds of rocks to offer takes on a rebrand.

We don't really care for the logo but dig the white jersey. A predominantly white kit like this, with strong black and yellow accents? Yes, yes and yes.

5. The Tao of Nancy: #76

6. 101 Crew things to do before you die: Greet the team off the bus (#21)

6 p.m. Home game days. So. Much. Fun.

7. A definitive ranking of the best Crew players and coaches with alliterative names

Perhaps you’ve noticed we’re big fans of alliteration here at Columbus Cooligans, and since there are exactly 12 current or former Crew players / coaches with alliterative first and last names, we’re gonna rank ’em.

(1) Sigi Schmid — The only coach in the Circle of Honor tops this list, too.

(2) Yaw Yeboah — Yaw gave us a Cup. Nuff said.

(3) Brian Bliss — As a Crew original, one-time Crew coach, and holder of a classically great nickname, Blissy gets high marks.

(4) Robbie Rogers — Took a lot of courage, bravery and guts to do what Rogers did in coming out and momentarily leaving soccer. Legend!

(5) Dilly Duka — Duka places high solely for the “Jersey Shore” fun he provided, like the all-time classic chat, “Dilly Duka fist bump.”

(6) Emmanuel Ekpo — One of the most-talented Crew players who never seemed to live up to his potential. Frustrating, sure, but those glimpses of excitement are enough to bump Ekpo into the top half, so guess it was worth it in the end.

(7-9) Milovan Mirošević / Chris Cadden / Nicolai Næss — Honestly, not sure how to separate these three, so they’re getting lumped together in the middle tier.

(10) Conor Casey — Having come to the Crew via Philly and Colorado, Casey never really felt like Black & Gold.

(11) Kei Kamara — Most of the goodwill Kei had earned in his stints with the Crew went spoof when he wrestled with Pipa over a PK. This is probably overly harsh, though.

(12) Tony Tchani — Unlucky to be involved in the Crew’s infamous 7 minutes of stupidity in MLS Cup? Maybe. Tchani quitting on that play still stings though.

Thanks for reading! If you’re feeling froggy, take part in our referral program and get a free copy of our Tao of Nancy mini ebook in return.

Your pals,

Columbus Cooligans