Crewzino Night Out: The tactical tasting notes edition

Alright, Crew cats and kittens, it’s Mother’s Day, as you may or may not know. (Some of us degenerates need the reminder, just sayin’.) And as you may or may not have seen, the Crew has the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the tardier giftgivers among us.

On Saturday, May 28, for ~$50, the Crew’s inviting mom to ditch the sippy cups and the endless “Paw Patrol” reruns for a Crew wine night – a deep dive into the beautiful, chaotic, and thrilling vintage that is the Columbus Crew season.

Alongside your Chardonnays and Merlots, you’ll be swirling and sniffing tactical formations and dissecting every Chambost pass like it's a rare Bordeaux.

And so, inspired by a Discordecke thread riffing on a tailgate version of this event, we’re ranking the Best XI of potential player-specific tastings the Crew could host for future editions.

11. JRR’s Tokin’ - this tasting doesn’t have any booze or liquors but what it lacks in liquid it makes up for in altitude. Sky high for a heady but powerful tasting sesh of the finest Canadian broccoli.

10. AZ’s Hazies - you might think all hazy IPAs taste the same and you’d be right. Until tonight, that is. At this tasting extravaganza, you’ll be tipsy on thick, cloudy beer that only the most discerning (read: hops-busted) palates can distinguish.

9. Gettin’ Blasted with Patrick - White Claws only at this tasting but each taster gets a free set of goalie gloves that double as Claw Coozies. (H/T Aidan - Riptide and Natalie on Discordecke)

8. Ruvalcaba’s Cava - despite the N/A nature of this night out, there’s no shortage of high-octane fun. Featuring hints of youthful exuberance and eagerness, this night out is best enjoyed with optimistic sighs.

7. Rudy’s Red Blends - heavier, steadier varietals are on hand at this tasting for the more experienced tasters in the stands. Expect lots of discernment and downtime as pourings between tastings can take a while to settle for these shelf staples.

6. Malbecs with Malte - As smooth and sophisticated as a perfectly weighted diagonal ball, this tasting will delve into a curated selection of rich, velvety Malbecs, each chosen for its complexity and surprising depth – much like our very own Danish dynamo. We'll explore the nuanced tannins and dark fruit notes, drawing parallels to Malte's tenacious defending and unexpected bursts into the attack. (H/T Natalie on Discordecke)

5. Nagbe’s Negronis – a robust and reliable blend, a little bitter at first, but ultimately smooth and essential to the overall structure. Notes of veteran leadership and surprising bursts of forward momentum. Pairs well with pre-game anxiety and half-time hot dogs.

4. Merlots with Chambost - Like Chambost, Merlots can fly under the radar, appearing to the casual Crew fan as a drink that’s doing a lot of work for little to show for it. But underneath these surface observations, there’s a real depth and richness that comes alive for the patient taster.

3. Prosecco with Cheberko - a surprisingly bold and sometimes bruising selection with undertones of staunch defending and a crisp lingering finish of last-ditch tackles and heart-stopping clearances. Pairs perfectly with collective held breaths and the fervent prayer that the final whistle blows soon.

2. Gettin’ Fancy with Nancy - you have to pronounce fancy like “Nancy” at this brunch-forward event for the pinkie’s-out crowd. Expect insightful commentary, maybe a surprise appearance from the man himself, and definitely some spirited debate about the best Cup pairings for your wine of choice.

1. Zaddie’s Baddies’ Den of Zin - All Zinfandels all the time. This versatile drink goes with just about every situation, from fill-in goalie saves to last-minute corner-kick flick-ons, the Den of Zin is the perfect pairing night out for the Zawadski Groupies(TM) among us.

So, raise your glasses (filled with whatever gets you through the 90 minutes, no judgment here). To the Crew, to the beautiful game, and to surviving another week of parenting fueled by caffeine and the glimmer of three more road points. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I just detected a hint of handball in the midfield... needs more swirling.

CTID,

Your fellow Crewzanista,

CREWZINE!