CREWZINE! presents: Schelotto's Magnificent 7 | September 2024

Well, hello there again. Fancy seeing you here at Schelotto’s Magnificent 7, a once-monthly feature inspired by the maestro himself.

As always, reader submissions are welcome! Email us at [email protected] with pics, lists, ebay finds — whatever!

So, yeah, let’s get to it.

1. Big pic energy: Leagues Cup Glory (8.13.24)

Were you like us, someone who went from cynically loving-to-hate-Leagues-Cup to passionately loving-Leagues-Cup-glory? All in the span of a few minutes?

If so, it was probably this pivotal moment — when the Crew came from behind to beat Inter Miami 3-2 in a Round 16 matchup — that proved the catalyst.

2. You have to get this!

Someone has 3D-printed the 2023 MLS Cup and is selling them for $35 on ebay.

DYK?

In addition to catching us here, on Instagram and outside, you can now find us on Facebook, too. How about that?

3. Who’s the Crewest of them all?

Maybe it’s because a group of pickup soccer pals used to call Mr. Cooligan, Justinho, but whatever the reason, we’ve always had a soft spot for anyone who adds a ‘ho’ to the back of their jersey. Takes chutzpah and True Crewism to pull off.

4. What coulda been …

Crew fan Christopher Wilson created these logos a few years ago “after the fiasco that was the Columbus Crew logo.” We think you know which one we’re referring to.

5. The Tao of Nancy: #3

6. 101 Crew things to do before you die: March with the Nordecke (#7)

Arguably the most fun you can have outside of LDC Field, but maybe bring a smoke mask?

7. The List: 9 predictions for the Crew’s last 9 MLS games

After last night’s 4-2 win against NYCFCCFCFC, we’re officially well into the home stretch of the MLS regular season. Given our predilection for aimless speculation, we figured we’d go ahead and predict some crap, too.

(1) Nancy will pull a few more rotation headscratchers that’ll make you question it in the moment but hail it as genius after he pulls it off

(2) One of our new signings will surprisingly emerge as a necessary contributor

(3) The Crew set a record last year for single-season sellouts and earlier this year set a record for season ticket sales. Attendance is up 2% through 29 games this year compared to last, so expect even more attendance records.

(4) Cucho loses Golden Boot but wins MLS MVP

(5) Crew shock the world to catch Inter Miami, who finish with 4 of their final 7 games on the road, to win Supporters Shield

(6) Cucho scores 7 goals in final 9 games to become first Crew player — and only third all-time, behind Stern John — to surpass 20 goals in an MLS regular season

(7) In addition to scoring 7 more goals, Cucho also assists on an additional 4 more, breaking the Crew single-season record for most goals + assists (31), ending the season with 20 goals and 13 assists for 33 total contributions

(8) Don Garber screws the Crew once again, with news breaking that Inter Miami gets the last Club World Cup spot despite the Crew beating Miami to the Supporters Shield

(9) News will leak of one more surprise Crew departure. We have no inside info other than observing heaps of speculation.

Hey, there — thanks for reading! We seriously appreciate your support. As a token of our gratitude, here’s a free copy of our ebook, the Tao of Nancy:

Your pals,

Columbus Cooligans